Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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