dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
