It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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