You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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