Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Is Oprah even human
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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