I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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