yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
