i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
