Your face is a jimmy john
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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