apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
