i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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