Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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