I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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