This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
