I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
