I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
