Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
