Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
