the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just blew my weed a kiss
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
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