I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Randomize
