remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
