just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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