dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
