I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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