Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
