apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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