I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
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