I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
