It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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