Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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