highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
