just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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