Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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