May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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