the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
