Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
