with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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