Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
