You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
