do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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