I wanna bring you to show and tell
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
