we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You have to summon your inner elephant
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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