Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
