Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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