My underwear smells like fireworks.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
