I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
