The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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