He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Randomize
