Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
