Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
